Mothers Day

My third blog post! And nothing really of note to write, other than some random ramblings....

Well yesterday I worked on a picture that I took back in Zante last year. I found it hard to expose for at the time, so thought I would take it in RAW and try to rectify it back home! It only took me 5 months to actually do it... Here it is >



It's by no means perfect! There is far too much noise (grain) on the boat... but I had fun creating it and to be honest, as no one is paying me to do this, that is all that matters to me at the moment :)

Today was mothers day. I wont go into it but it was a big disaster! All I wanted to do was to go out to a park and even that has become too big a deal recently... It upset me and made me think of things I did when I was younger that I maybe took for granted. You know that point in your life when you feel that you can achieve anything? I guess it was the reailisation that I cant that boths hurts and makes me feel defeatist and deflated. Then that reailisation got me thinking about the subject of dreams and desires... and life in general I guess.

I wondered that I have shunned the idea and concept of marriage... but once upon a time I did want all that. So have I shunned it because after years I have never been asked and its easier not to be hurt? Or have I shunned it because I have witness peoples marriages failing all around me and deem it pointless? Maybe .... either way.... It's just something people DO in life, isn't it? Every girl wants to be a 'princess' for a day and made to feel special. IIm not sure I have ever felt special as a grown women! In contrast to when I was a child when I knew 100% that I was loved and cherished. Now I just feel... not! And this isnt a 'poor me' post, I am just trying to explain something to myself. ;) To be honest, I think I dont want to get married now AT ALL anyway! It is just an example of one of my dreams that has had to be modified... okay, dismissed.... over time. I assume that things like this are the norm for most people however and dont like to spend too much time dwelling on an institution which would probably see me running away quick sharp fast now anyway ;)

There are other things - mainly travel and meeting people. Strangers who could become friends and soulmates. Someone who really 'gets' you... without you even having to try to make them understand! I know a fair few people, but I am not sure if any of them really know me. Sometimes I think they do.... and then I find myself apologising for things I needn't really apologise for... and there I have the 'different page' thing again. Thats not a problem though.... although it admittedly makes me insecure. And I hate that.

I dont expect life to be one big picnic. You need some bad to counter balance the good afterall. I just want to do a little more with my life! I am sure I have a bigger purpose here than to stay in my house in Cambridgeshire looking after two kids! There is a whole World to see out there... and I would strongly advise anyone who is childless to go and do that before settling down, as after you have other people to consider and is a greater responsibility. I feel myself getting old. I feel myself becoming more and more unhappy.... and I feel lost and tied to change that!

I am sure I will add to this line of thought tomorrow or soon... I have said enough for tonight.

Night night x

Adore

Yes... I saw The Smashing Pumpkins on Saturday night!!

I have to say, they are very good live.. although it does seem strange to see angst-ridden Billy Corgan smiling and smirking with the other band members. Infact... I could just sit and watch that man for hours out of pure interest! He is a strange one.. not attractive in a Jared Leto kind of way AT ALL... but kind of alluring. Like you want to know what else there is to him! He is tall, gangly and awkward looking.... yes, interesting and not to mention extremely talented!



^ YouTube clip of 1979 with a bit of sodding Girls Aloud thrown in for bad measure =(

Now for the review...

The O2 isnt my favorite venue I have to say. I am trying to figure out if I like it at all or whether I would go to another gig there! It's big in capacity... not as big as I had thought but still dwarfs Brixton Academy for example. It is glitzy, shiny and new... and something about the place seems wrong! I like and am used to seeing gigs in places where my feet stick to the floor and that are falling apart! And that kind of gives the place character. The O2 seemed soulless in a way. Like an empty vessel. It may just be because it is a new venue... but it all just stunk of nanny-state bollocks with its rules & regs, stupid amount of security personnel and hassle! The stage was dire to be honest! Tiny in comparison to the venue and God help the people who paid to still in the back seats! There were no screens or anything so I doubt the view would have been great! Lucky for us, we were near the front and saw as much as we could when the over powering glare of the O2 lights wasn't blinding us! No.. I didnt think much to the stage set up and it had nothing special.. not even a Smashing Pumpkins flag, to mark the presence of one of the undoubtably best rock acts of the 1990s!

The band were great! I have to admit in thinking that the set list was slightly strange! They opened with Porcelina... which it seemed hardly anyone knew! It took a few songs in and 'Tonight, Tonight' to get the crowd really going... and then it did kick off and the atmosphere really started to create itself! There were a few strange choices in material... Today, Bullet with Butterfly Wings (Born out of the riff for 'Stars'), 1979, The Everlasting Gaze, Ava Adore, Stand Inside Your Love, Perfect..... the set list on a whole was good! Just slightly disappointed that they didnt play 'Disarm', 'Cherub Rock' or 'Zero'... but we cant have it all I guess :) Billy Corgan was unusually chatty with the crowd which always makes a gig feel more intimate.

The entire set list was as follows:

Porcelina
Nightmare
Bring The Light
Tonight, Tonight
Mayonaise
Try, Try, Try
Superchrist
C'mon Lets Go
Stellar
Perfect
Lily
The Rose March
Today
Tarantula
Stand Inside Your Love
Ava Adore
Drown
Bullet With Butterfly Wings
1979
That's The Way (Our Love Is)
My Blue Heaven (< LOVED THAT!!)
Everlasting Gaze (My favorite SP song)
Cash Car Star
Daydream
Wound
United States
__________

Lips of Sugar (Echo and the Bunny men cover)
(Cherub Rock is listed on their set list on their site but they sure as hell didnt play it!! Booo!!!)

The setlist was good. Maybe could have been a bit better. And United States was drawn out guitar wank! But thats the Pumpkins for you... I remember about a 45 minute "jam" at Novarock too.

The crowd were OK. Couldnt believe that people near me (near the front!) stood still for 'Everlasting Gaze'.... we moved! When it got going.. It REALLY got going. But often it was a little still for my liking.

So all in all... Great performers, Good setlist, OK crowd, shit venue...... I just wish I was lucky enough to see them play venues like Brixton Academy and The Astoria back in the early 90s. Oh... and Ginger (The bassist) got engaged that day too! Billy Corgan then went on a fairly amusing rant about how he is *the* perfect boyfriend - "caring, sensitive, thoughtful, great gift giver, great in the sack.... " type and he was wondering why he only attracts thoughtless bitches who break his heart! My advice: Quit hanging out of Courtney Love then ;)

___________

So the gig was only a small part of the weekend!

I saw Siobhan on Friday and stayed over at her place enjoying a curry and Siobhans 'Apple Pie' alcoholic concoction. Basically you mix some vodka and apple juice together and pour that in someones mouth, followed by whipped cream, followed by a sprinkling of cinnamon. I didnt actually get to the cinnamon bit being the lightweight that I am and the fact that the vodka was trickling down my throat!! Got to try that again though ;)

Met with Steve (gig buddy) on the Saturday after a disastrous morning trying to get around using rail replacement bus services! Went to Nandos for lunch which is always good. Spent 2 days being annoying and then got back to my mums =D

Good times...

Welcome..

.. To my new blog! I havent kept one in years and am not sure if I *really* have the time nor want to keep one again! But what was amusing was reading over old postings a year later and realising how insignificant the things that were important to me then were to me now. I dont know whether that thought in itself invalidates life! After all, if things aren't really that important... what is the point of bothering? Ahh dont worry... this isnt the blog of a manic depressive. It is merely random ramblings from little Miss Random who thinks too much and needs an outlet for all this useless information stored in the depths of my brain!

Let me tell you a bit about me. I am 31. Mum of two of the most gorgeous and fun kids I have ever met. I have a dog, a rabbit and two cats.... and wonder why I do each day! I know many people... but only a tiny number of people really know me. I dont like getting hurt so I try not to get close to many people. I have a boyfriend who I love and hate at the same time. Although I am not actually sure if 'boyfriend' is the right word at the moment :S I have a mum who I love to bits and is just the best mum in the world! I have two brothers.... errr.... and I like photography so dont be surprised if I drop in a photo or two as I go along :)

I think these things are so self indulgent! After all... why do people blog? Who are we hoping is going to see it?? For me, I dont really care if no one does. I dont even know why I am doing this.... but then that same mentality can be said in areas all across my life... I am never sure why I do anything. I just want life to be good... and that is reason enough for me.

I titled this blog 'beautiful screw up'. That [for once] isn't vanity on my part. I am referring to life being beautiful... and referring to myself in the screwed up bit ;) Would it really be so hard just to get on with life and spend most of it with a smile on your face? It really bugs me that society and people try to wear you down and make you be someone your not. I am still not sure what I really want out of life. To be honest, I think I am bored of caring.... I just want to smile more and have an easy life with as little stress as I can! I think all that became more apparent when I landed the plastic role of "home owner"... That sucks! I thought that would make me grow up and start playing ball... but all it seems to have made me do is hate it! Oh... and yes... I dont do commitment too well either even though I am saddled with loads of it!

So things going on right now.

I just bought some new mascara as mine had gone all clumpy. The kids are on half term. Im going to see the Smashing Pumpkins on Saturday night. I need what feels like a vast amount of money to hand to other people (the fucking government) for doing Jack shit! (council tax) amongst other money grabbing leeches! It all pisses me off... But the worry is that I think I am giving up caring about all that shit... I think the world would be a better place if it wasn't so greedy! Right now on TV there is an advert about giving £2 a month to water aid. A child dies every 17 seconds from dirty water in some parts of the world... and here is people being paid a fortune for kicking a football around a bit of grass for 90 minutes! Big greedy businesses spending a fortune on expensive lunches and crap like that.... Is it just me that finds something deeply disturbing about our society??